Katie’s Relapse Prevention Paper

I’m KT and I’m an addict. I would like to share my relapse prevention play with you today. Since being part of my relapse prevention class, I have learned a lot of things about myself. I have learned that I have three self-defeating, learning behaviors that affect my relationships in a negative way, I am working on solutions to make my relationships healthier. The first self-defeating learned behavior is being a people-pleasure. I have confrontation; if I can avoid it I will try very hard to do so. I don’t like to make people mad, I guess so they will not leave. I have some abandonment issues, so that is one f my reasons I try to keep people around. I can remember at a young age doing every little thing people asked me to do, even when I knew some things were wrong. I would try to say everything I thought they wanted to hear, so that they would like me and not leave me. But with that, I found myself lying a lot and being worried the truth would come out. Today I know people will come and go in my life and I am okay with that. A solution to me being a people pleasure is to remind myself that God will not more on me that I can not handle. I need to also do what my gut tells me to and do what I think is right. Also, I need to not worry what other people want done all the time. Last of all, I must speak the truth, honesty is very important. in m recovery. I have also learned that I am a perfectionist; what a shocker? Ha ha. But really, I tend to worry a lot about why I didn’t do whatever it is sooner so I know it is done right. For me,I think the perfectionism tied into people pleasing because If I think that I can’t complete whatever you ask of me to do, I tend not to even try. If I do start something, I want to complete it to the best of my ability and what I think your standards are, which deep down, I really don’t know what your standards are for me. Some of he best solutions for my perfectionist tendencies are as followers: for me to think of what my standards are for myself, not worry if things are done perfectly or are good enough for other people, and to start making myself happy about the things I do, because I am only human and no one is perfect. The last self defeating, learned behavior I realized I have is being a tap dancer. I have problems committing to tasks, which yet again, ties into my perfectionist behaviors. One of the reasons I have problems committing to stuff is because I tend to want to people please and try very hard to make stuff perfect , which I can’t do. So, if I think you may not be happy with me or are going to hurt me, I will start pushing you away so you can’t get any closer and maybe not have anything to do with you at all. That is another reason why all my relationships have been very unhealthy and have always turned out bad, because I try to please you as much as I can to keep you around, just because I don’t want to be alone. So if I have to run away from you, I will before you do, because it tends to not hurt me so badly. I always try to have  “Plan B” in my mind, and maybe even a “Plan C”. I always make sure I have a back door. So, the solution to this learned behavior is to try and set still in one place for a while, physically and emotionally, which is very hard for me to do. I think it can be done if I stop thinking so much and being negative and also stop thinking of back-up plans for running all of the time. I need to learn to work stuff out and not run when I think I may get hurt because not everyone is out to hurt me. So, I have also come to realize that I do not do well with stress. I didn’t know it was stress that made me feel depressed and mad at myself, which led me to feeling very weak, having no energy, and just wanting to sleep. Mood changes also happen a lot; either I’m really up or really down. I want to be in the middle, and slowly I am trying to work on how to do that. When my mood changes, though, I become very irritable and just want to be alone for a while. Lastly, I tend to put stuff off until the last minute and put more stress on myself because I’m doing it last minute and it may not be right. So, here are a few things I have to reduce my stress: avoid getting resentments when my mood changes, get away from whatever is going on right then to give myself time to calm down so I don’t get stupid resentments, then separate worries from concerns, and give myself extra time to do things because that is stress I could have avoided. Triggers are no good and everyone is going to have some. One of my triggers is early mornings. I hate mornings and always have, but mornings I could be more productive and get up and meditate more often. The house I used to live in would be a big triggers for me, except that I simply avoid going there at all. Another trigger is just seeing people high, for some reason that really bothers me. Paraphernalia messes with me as well, but I have been learning things I can do when I am triggered. Some of things include taking a shower, talking to my sponsor, talking to other people, getting out of my head, journaling, reading the Bible, and praying. I justified using in order to not think and not feel. I would also use the thought, “screw it”, I’ve already done a lot of damage to my family and friends, as a justification. I also used, of course, just because I waned to get high.  I do have a character strengths, and now that I am sober, I can realize them. Some of them are honestly, patience, willingness, self nurturing, generosity, and acceptance. Acceptance is a big one for me. So I try my best to practice the principles day to day.